Happy endings…should I?

This is a question I have wrestled with for a long time now…should I offer happy endings or as I prefer to call it…a sweet release? I hesitate to speak openly about this because, to be honest, I worry about what people might think & say. Does this technically make me a sex worker? I don’t know & if it does…is that a problem for me? I am not sure…and then there is my shame. I don’t want to be a disappointment to people who love me.

I know as a remedial massage therapist, I am pushing the boundaries of what is considered ethical in my profession but I often encounter men who seem disappointed after an amazing session together. I would often doubt my abilities for days, wondering what I did wrong & how I could do better.

But after over a decade in the industry, I have come to understand that many men, for a range of reasons, long to be touched intimately. The old me would have straight out refused & would have been offended that a client would assume that I would do such a thing. But I have been forced to evolve throughout my life as a gay man & the new me asks…what’s the big deal?

Authentic Connections

I had a conservative upbringing & my belief system was moulded by our society & the religious influences that infiltrate it. And the message at the time ‘in the 80’s’ was that gay sex is dirty. I lived in fear & full of shame as a gay boy trying to fit into a straight world that didn’t accept me. It was a world that didn’t make sense to me but I was a good boy, played it safe & was in survival mode 24/7. But now as a gay man, I have changed & evolved, becoming more secure in who I am & I find my values have changed too. I now value truth & real & authentic connections. In fact…I crave it & I am tired of hiding myself to please others. We are sexual beings. It is in our DNA. To pretend otherwise just seems silly.

There is something deeply human & authentic when two people share a vulnerable space together for a session of intimate touch. When a client is naked, the amour comes down & the personality fades away & all you are left with is two human beings experiencing a deep human connection. It is quite honestly is the most beautiful thing. So I ask myself…what is wrong with that?

Shame

What I understand a lot about is…shame & it is still something I deal with. It is everywhere in our culture & in particular, when it comes to male to male sexual desire. I have lived with it my whole life & I understand how harmful it can be. So…I proudly offer a shame & judgement free service because I get it & it concerns me…am I shaming my clients by rejecting their desire for intimate touch?

Here is what I have come to realise…it is a normal human response to enjoy being touched. You can’t separate the sexual nature of a human from their body. We are wired for connection. It is in our DNA & touch when offered with presence & safety can be deeply arousing. So why do we have to pretend that we don’t enjoy it & why do we shame those who want to enjoy it?

But…I still struggle with the decision & so I ask myself…are there any health benefits to it?

So what are the health benefits exactly?

• Promotes deep relaxation & calm - through the release of feel good hormones

• Supports mental health by easing anxiety & depression

• Improves sleep & can release emotional blockages

• Helps repair body image & build self esteem

• And perhaps most importantly - it helps people feel less alone

• All of the above contribute to greater well-being

These are things that I am trying to achieve with my massage treatments. So maybe this offering - if done intentionally…could it be part of a complete & whole wellness treatment?

Still my head says “be careful” but my heart says…”stop worrying about what other people think”. So I think to myself…if I say yes with consent & within agreed boundaries, could this not be a healing experience? If I am going to do it, I need to lean in & commit & let go of my shame once & for all. What the hell Alex…life is short…life is to be enjoyed…so I decide to lean in!

My First Experience Offering a Sweet Release

I was so nervous…but something remarkable happened. For the first time, the session felt complete. The client left glowing, deeply relaxed & full of thanks & gratitude & it felt good. I was working the whole body & no longer stopping at the underwear line, but working right up into the insertion points around the pelvis & the intimate areas where a lot of major muscle groups insert. And, yes, it was arousing at times but there was consent. It was a thorough treatment that felt normal, healthy & healing.

So…I haven’t really looked back & it is now part of my service. I used to refer to myself as a massage therapist but these days I see myself more as a bodyworker which feels right for me. But I even want to be more than that…I ultimately want to be a healer.

Just to be clear

• This is not a sex offering

• This is touch therapy…all for you & your body

• This is not about me or us

• My focus is on you & facilitating your experience & pleasure

Intention

When I did my Kahuna training, I remember being upset. It was very intimate for someone

so conservative as me & I went to my teacher & declared…I can’t do this! She

replied in all her wisdom “it is all about your intention…you need to set your intention”.

Now days, I am very clear in my intention. I am here to provide a well-being service. A

complete holistic full body session including the physical body, the emotional body & the

intimate body & who knows…even the spiritual body.

So, if you are on my table, here’s what you need to know:

• This is your time to receive. You don’t need to give back

• Get out of your head - relax, let go & to connect to the aliveness of your body

• There is no pressure to perform & no outcome required

• Whatever happens, happens & it will be perfect as it is

Problems…& what I am learning along this journey

This treatment isn’t always straightforward & can become complicated. Sometimes a client can’t release & then it becomes a struggle & effort & then we are back in the head & it ruins the session. What is happening here? This is what I have learned so far:

• Dry Masturbation - Some men are used to a lot of friction & don’t use oil & our bodies may not respond to the unfamiliar

• Needing to pee - Discomfort will take you out of the moment. We can stop the session so you can pee.

• Being rushed - One guy came during his lunch break & was worried about the time & was stuck in his head - Only come if you have time to spare

• Porn conditioning - This is head sex essentially. Guys are being aroused by screens & the visuals & not by sensations. It takes practice to reconnect to your body

• Guilt & shame - This can kill pleasure before it begins. I will write more about this in another blog

• Over thinking - The mind can be your worst enemy. The goal here is to feel…not think

• Chem Sex - Some clients struggle to feel without the aid of a substance. Healing is possible with practice & time

• Body Dysmorphia - This is a compassionate, judgement free space. Your body is safe here

Failure to launch

If a release doesn’t happen the amour comes back up & the personality returns & sometimes it becomes awkward. I suspect because of shame? But here is the truth…there is no failure. This isn’t about the climax - it’s about the journey. In some ways not releasing is more powerful. That energy stays in the body, nourishing you & feeding you. Some swear by holding onto the seed as a superior outcome. Whether you release or not, both outcomes are a success.

Of course I understand that clients may feel disappointed if it doesn’t happen. And yes, it sometimes affects me too & I feel bad. I want people to feel satisfied & to leave happy but I have to come back to my intention & this work is not about the outcome. It is all about the journey & your well-being.

What I have learned is to allocate some time to it, but if it doesn’t happen, we move on & just enjoy the ebbs & flow of pleasure. There is no pressure for results. Whatever happens, happens! If you really need a release, you can have another go later & I am sure it will be exceptional.

Final thoughts: Body positivity & my right to say no

Let’s start being proud of our bodies & what they are capable of doing. Watching the erotic charge build up in the body is amazing to witness. This is what creates life. Pleasure is not dirty & touch is not shameful. Our bodies are a gift to be honoured & enjoyed.

Everything I do is always focused on massage first & foremost & this is a value add. But if it is what you are looking for it you don’t need to feel shame in asking for it. But you will find it is already part of a beautiful treatment that I offer which I have called…the Ultimate Connection. Check it out on my website.

Finally…I also reserve the right to say no for whatever reason. My safety & wellbeing matters too.