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My Story

alexanderpauljohns

Our stories…

are the main reason we are not connected to ourselves. All my life I have been trapped by my story. The little gay boy from the country, who never felt like he belonged or felt good enough. Mine is just a story, one of many. You may relate, you may not. It doesn’t matter. And I want to acknowledge that people have stories that are way worse than mine. But I think to grow, we need to try and let go of these stories. They are not who we are. This is not the person I am today. But I am grateful for everything that has happened to me and the people in my life, even if they don’t understand me. I am a stronger for it and a more balanced human being because of my struggles.

But, this is mainly a story of connection.


What are we, if we cannot connect…alone!

I would like to share a brief snap shot of my story…Why am I sharing this with you? Because I want to stop running and hiding and I want to connect. I want real and authentic connections. You can only connect if you are honest, authentic and real…right? This is something I have never done before and I now know there is no other way. With this story, there is nowhere for me to hide. Anyone including my family can read it. I am exposed and the fraud I was, can be no more and these walls that I hide behind will have to come down. This is part of my healing process and I think it is now time for me to say goodbye to this story and to start writing a new chapter.


This story has been holding me back now for far too long and quite frankly, I am tired of it. It no longer serves me. The most important thing to me now days, is connection. Connection is in our DNA. We rely on it as a species to survive. To deny it is to go against our natural instinct. But first, the story.

Why can I not connect?


They say to find the problem, go back to the childhood…

I grew up in a house with a lot of love. I was a very happy child but a highly sensitive gay boy and I was isolated and alone with my hidden identity. I am from a family of builders and grew up on a farm, surrounded by men, who I would say, at the time, suffered from toxic masculinity. And it was a mans world back then, run by what I would say, were mostly homophobic men. I was a teenager in the 80’s during the AIDS pandemic and there was a lot of fear. I was watching, listening and heard what people around me were saying. I did not want to be a disappointment to my family and I learnt pretty quickly to keep my mouth shut. I quietly faded into the background and grew small so no-one would notice me over here with my dirty little secret.


Coping Mechanisms…

I developed a range of them along the way to help me to survive and feel in control, including:

Perfectionism - Trying desperately to fit in, to be accepted and loved.

Procrastination - I am an intelligent guy but if I couldn’t be perfect, I would avoid it.

Consumed with self doubt and self hatred - I have been pretty busy hating on myself

Running and hiding and running and hiding - so know no one could get close enough.

Comfort eating and shopping - eating and buying my way to happiness

Anger, rage, jealousy, envy and even bullying…and just not coping well

The judgement of others - with the hardest of judgements reserved for myself.

Reject before being rejected - I couldn’t handle the pain of rejection.

An obsessive porn addiction - because I couldn’t connect with boys in real life

Severe body dysmorphia - Basically never feeling good enough or worthy.

Trying to be a respectable person - to please the ‘right’ people and be liked and accepted.

Good boy syndrome - I needed to be good so my parents would love me no matter what

Mr nice guy syndrome - The disease to please so everyone else would love me

Control - Trying to control my environment so I can manage my way.

Avoidance and paranoia - I always thought people were making fun of me.

Seeking validation - Constantly seeking approval but never believing it anyway

Worry and anxiety and worry and anxiety - And ALWAYS alert to danger


Maybe you recognise some of them and there are others? I now understand why I am so tired all the time. And of course….the never ending shame and guilt.


Depending on how old you are (pre-internet, post internet)

You may or may not relate to things that I say. But this was only over 30 + years ago. It was a totally different world to the one we are in today. There were no mobile phones, no internet, no social media, no online streaming, no 24 hours news cycle and there were certainly no positive gay role models for us young gay boys to look up to like today.


Gay people were definitely hiding in the closet back then as they were represented in the media as sick, deviant people and denounced by leaders and religious leaders around the world. People didn’t know a gay person and they were afraid of what they didn’t know. Any gay movies out there were about AIDS and death. So I was taught to hate myself from a very young age and I have been very busy since, trying to be someone I am not. I became distant and cold, never getting too close to people or else they would start asking questions that I didn’t want to answer. The most popular being “do you have a girlfriend?”.


So I kept to myself and let beautiful friendships fall away and became more isolated and lived in fear.


I have always had a problem with connection from an early age and it drives me today. How do I develop authentic connections?

How do I learn to love myself?

How can someone love me if I cannot love myself?

Why is it so hard for me?

Why do I still today not feel good enough?


Coming Out…

In my early twenties (the 90’s) I left home to explore my sexuality, away from people who knew and loved me. I ran away to London, all alone. It was scary, amazing, exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.


But I discovered my community.


Gay boys who were just like me. I could not hide my joy and felt seen and safe for the first time. It was SO amazing and I had never felt SO alive and I had never felt SO NOT good enough. I left my beautiful little town in the South West of WA. A small town of small minded but good, honest, hardworking people and all of a sudden I was surrounded by cool people, exciting people, people with plans and ambition and everything I wasn’t.


But…I got an education quickly, adapted to fit in but the emotions are running high and start to pour out of me and I was often in tears. This would usually happen when speaking to my parents, who loved me so much and were so worried about me. I had to come clean about what was troubling me SO much?


Coming out is a very traumatic experience. The prospect of being rejected by the two people who mean the world to you and other family members is very real for us gay boys. They had NO idea. They paused… and finally replied “we love you no matter what Alex” and with that, the monkey had been lifted off my back…well just a little anyway as I also knew that my Father would prefer that I was not. But I can live with that and I am also acutely aware that others are not so lucky as me.


Drugs, Parties, Boys and Body Dysmorphia…

I felt a sense of freedom for the first time.


I throw myself into the gay scene. The clubs, the music, the boys, the dance parties and then I start experimenting with party drugs. It was an incredible time but really I was just numbing the pain that sits deep in my core. I still don’t feel good enough until the drug takes effect and then everything changes. My coping mechanisms disappear and I feel completely present in the moment. I start to like myself. I start to love myself. I love this guy. Where has he been hiding. He is funny, confident, sexy and loves people, loves life and loves himself. He is so authentic and he is so connected to everything. I call him Xander! And as the drug fades away, so does he and I am left picking up the pieces and it is not pretty.


And it is here that I first start to develop my body dysmorphia that will last through my adult life. The boys are beautiful and I start comparing myself to them. Am I good enough and do I measure up?


Now I am not advocating drugs but what is happening here is for a few hours I become free of my mind that has held me captive all my life and I connect with my soul, spirit, chi whatever you want to call it, the real me and it is everything. I know why drugs are so addictive but it is not the answer. I do wonder though… can I achieve this state without the drugs?


Life rolls on and I fall in love…

And I get a dog and settle down. And we became a respectable couple and he made me feel whole. I felt seen and validated. Everything I had always dreamed of. I am busy living in domestic bliss that I never really want to deal with my problems. I just bury them. But my coping mechanisms are never far away, hindering me as I navigated the world with my partner.


Now I had someone who wanted to do things that the old me would have run away from. It was confronting and a lot of times, I was in survival mode. And I worked hard to control that relationship as much as I could, so I could feel comfortable.


I am living in Sydney now and the gay scene is tough and is not for the faint hearted (i.e…me) and I have a love/hate relationship with it. It is fun sometimes but it feels mean sometimes and I still struggle to fit in. I just don’t feel good enough. I even explore plastic surgery to make myself feel better but it doesn’t of course.


The NEW gay world…and the world of comparison!

Now we are living life in the new world of the internet, social media, 24 hours news cycle, unlimited down load, online porn and sharing our lives openly and we have never been SO connected. There are dating apps to hook up and it is so normal and all at your finger tips.


There are gay people everywhere. In TV shows, movies. Everyone is out, accepted and of course it is wonderful but I am also aware of what is happening around the world and I still look over my shoulder.


Everyone now seems to be leading these amazing online lives. But this life comes at a cost as you start comparing yourself to others.

Am I doing enough?

Am I enough?

And it is SO easy to distract yourself from your life. I manage keep myself busy, avoiding my coping strategies and numbing myself to my feelings. I am so busy doing nothing that I have no time to feel. Everywhere I go now days, people are just staring down at their phones. So I ask the question… are we really living life or are we in a parallel life inside our heads?


The Beginning of Change…

Something happened that made me decide I needed to change my life. I read a quote one day on a blackboard at a cafe. It read: if you always do, what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.


I knew I wanted more from my life and that I was the problem. I just didn’t understand why I behaved the way I did but I knew something had to change. So I started with my career. I was working and living for money. I was doing it to please other people but it wasn’t aligned with the real me so I closed down my safe Banking and Finance Recruitment business and went back to study.


I want to work with people and I want to connect, so I signed up for my first massage course. I thought…what better way to connect? And I have never been happier. I am much more aligned now with me than I have ever been so it was a good start.


Waking Up…

There were two major events that happened that WOKE.ME.UP.


1) Death - My beautiful, kind and loving Mother passed away. When you lose your Mother your world changes. The one person you can completely depend on is gone. She has always been there for me and my love for her is pure. The death of a precious loved one is like receiving a cold hard slap across the face and I was awake for the first time in a long time. Can life ever be the same and is there any better education than death?


2) Getting Dumped - After 17 great years, my partner left me. We were going to get married. Even my neurosis got too much for him in the end. Another cold hard slap across the face but this time a backhander and it leaves its mark. I was well and truely awake now! Alone again at 50.


No-one cares. It is just me…

I am running again on fear. Can’t sleep. What am I going to do?

After I managed to pull myself together enough, I got myself a good therapist. Best decision ever! I then started to understand why I had been behaving the way I had and then I started to have compassion for myself. I started pouring through self help books and started listening to some incredible podsters. People with terrible stories of struggle but also stories of letting go and hope. Apparently with work, you can flow with life instead of against it. I was listening again but this time my mind was open.


Our lives are not guaranteed. We will die. We know this and still we carry on, mindlessly, trapped by the stories inside our heads by our powerful brains that won’t let up. You should be doing this, doing that. You’re stupid, too fat, too old, no-one will want you and on and on it goes in the endless cycle of negative shit that makes me feel unworthy including, your not good enough, your not good enough, your not good enough!….

And then I read a quote: no-one can make you feel anything…only you can.

Say what?…so you mean…I…have been torturing myself my whole life. No one else can do that. That responsibility is all my own…ok…the penny has dropped. I get it now.


Understanding, Forgiving, Acceptance and Letting Go…

Just let go Alex!

Life is not fair and it is not under our control and it is none of your business. It will do what it wants to do regardless of what you want and how much I try to control it. Once I became aware of this, I started to understand the importance of acceptance.


Accepting life as it is, rather than how I need it to be to function. And why am I so worried about what other people think anyway? Who are they to make me feel so bad about myself and really, do they even give me a minutes notice. Turns out everyone else is worrying about their own shit. Who made me so special that everyone was thinking about me? I then began the process of letting go, forgiving myself, forgiving others who have hurt me and accepting things for the way the are.


I started on this journey to come back to me. So I started to ask … Who am I? What do I want? What do I need from my life? Is it ok to put my needs first of those of others? Etc, etc … So many questions. I started to understand that all these things that have happened to me in the past have helped me grow into the person I am today but also that the past is the past and is not happening to me now. It is just my mind that keeps it present for me. I then decided I wanted to reclaim my power and create new stories.


And here I am now as a trained Sexological Bodyworker hoping to help people to connect to their bodies and help myself along the way.


Connecting to our aliveness is the source of our healing…

All of this leads to the same place. We are trapped, ruminating in our minds by our past experiences, worrying about what might happen in the future, comparing ourselves to others and not living in our bodies and we are not connected to our lives.


I have been numbing myself for a large part of my life and getting by but I want more. I want to connect to me and life. I have experienced love and I have lots of love to give but the only person I can’t seem to receive love from is myself? This has to change and I now dedicate the rest of life to achieve it and this work is essential to that.


We have to connect to ourselves before we can connect to others and before we can connect to life. Today I am all about love and connection. Nothing else matters. I now know that I am worthy and I can now laugh at myself now. I deserve pleasure and happiness.


Our bodies are to be enjoyed and celebrated. How can we thinking anything else.


When we can love ourselves everything else will come to us. So how do we connect. I believe we start with ourselves first and then everything else will fall into place. We have to love ourselves before others can.


And now…let’s talk about Sex…!!

Well to be honest, I am afraid of sex. Always have been. I think it from growing up in the AIDS era of the Grim Reaper coming for you, if you engage in that bad promiscuous activity (that is a religious description. Not mine!) It is everywhere really. Well it was back then, people talking about dirty gay sex. I remember in the school yard the worst insult that you could receive was that you were gay and you liked to take it up the you know where.


And if you were ever to engage in any self pleasure (I couldn’t leave my self alone back then) you had to be very careful and very quiet. NO-ONE can know. It has always felt dirty to me. And let’s not get started on religion and how that has fucked me up.


The gay scene though is very sexual and it is amazing and if I'm honest, on drugs I can be a whore and love it, but otherwise, I have always been a bit of a prude. Why, I don’t know. So many reasons. It is never just one thing. But today I see younger people being completely open about their desires and they kind of just do what they want without fear of judgement. And I am jealous a little because it feels so normal and right. So I might be a little late to the party but I have now arrived and I want to explore this side of me and have some fun along the way. And I want to normalise this conversation about sex because at the end of the day…sex is life. It should be the most important conversations we have and the most normal. Why isn’t it?


What does he know about anything?…

I just need to be clear, I am not a psychologist and I am not trauma trained and I am not here to sort out your problems. You will need to see someone else for that. Sexological Bodywork is a hands on touch modality to get you in touch with your body and your feelings and to help you have better sex.


But I am a very good listener with a lot of compassion, so if you want to share your story with me in a safe and non-judgemental space, you will find a sympathetic ear and if you don’t, that is fine also. There is no requirement of that with this work. This story was just so you could know something about me before we work together. These sessions are about you… your needs and your comfort. Not mine. I am here to practice love and connection. I now know that nothing else matters.


To find out more about Sexological Bodywork and what it is go to the main page.


Thank you for your interest in my story (if you got this far :)


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